Hmm, not very expressive mood today

Well, I feel down. A bit tired, and a little bewildered. Had a bad night last night.
Now I don't feel so great, but not really bad - just that worn out feeling. sigh.
I wonder.
I don't know what I wonder.
I've been trying to see good things, it was hard.
I did see some.
But I can't remember... they were proof.
THOSE WERE THE PROOF!
Why didn't I write them down??!
Fuckin rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr urgh yeah
alright now i feel good haha
awesomme peace

Some things...

Some things are not suppose to be known.
As our brains become more and more complex, for who knows what reason, we are going to realize more and more of those ideas we really can do without.
I was thinking about the "closed eye hallucinations", and I realized, I'm probably better off not knowing how I think.
It's probably a happier world if I don't analyze things so much...
But I say I'd be happier if I quit / started alot of things, and I never notice a huge difference.
I think it's just who I am
But I shouldn't think about it.
Fucking die circular logic! DIE!
Sigh... when my waves even out? Wheres the calm after the storm?

Ohi!

Hey whats up guys.

Woops on the bullets.

I figured out something really interesting about the brain recently that seems to be fading from my memory for some reason - (what I really understood when the Idea first came to me). I saw, in my brain, not really saw, but... imagined... a chemical, possibly serotonin, I don't know really at all what chemical compound, but one of them in my brain communicating my "Closed Eye Hallucinations"

Or what you see when you close your eyes, and can invision almost anything... I seemed to have came up with a kind of Hierarchy of Chemical compounds and Visualizations...

It went something like this - Although I base this only on my own assumptions and nothing else.

Someone tells you to envision a Pink Elephant in your brain. Your neurons take that acoustical information, and match it to the 'Idea' of Elephant and or Pink. Then connects both 'ideas' i.e. Neurons.

Both these Neurons fire together, and communicate serotonin to another part of the brain, that comes up with the 'Picture' of An elephant that is also Pink.

This step usually doesn't happen - but can relatively instantly, and instead of sending Serotonin to the second part of the brain, it sends a different communicator, DMT, (I say DMT because it is the only other natural communicator I know of in the brain ...sorry) this makes an actual vision of a Elephant that is also Pink.

This is just a rough thing I thought of and havn't gave much more complex thought to it... But maybe I'm on to something....

It seemed alot deeper and probably was, like I'm almost missing a peice of the puzzle writing this down.

I'll update if/when I realize what's wrong.

Interesting

I am not bipolar, and I am not schizophrenic.
But I am not completely steady-line normal.

Mayhem Fest

At first I said "I'm not going to go."
My friends kept asking me and bringing it up, and that changed into "I'll go but I'm not going to like this..."
Then I realized I might as well have fun, and get pumped so that eventually turned into "I don't like the music, but live, it will still be fun."

Well, I went and now I'm back. It was fun, epic. These people, slipknot, disturbed, machinehead, they get into their music so much.

Slipknot especially. Although I really think their music is rather stupid, and doesn't make much sense in reality, when I watched the singer live, I realized something.

He got so into his music, (remember this is like, heavy heavy hard rock metal) that he actually puked. He vomitted from the feeling his music gave him.

That was new to me.

Well.

I hate weed. I hate it. I smoked it last night, for the first time in atleast 3 months, and yeup, same thing happens everytime.
I feel great at the start, awesome. Then as it goes on by, I feel worse and worse, more and more depressive or something. It's really gay.
I hate it.
I've said this before but now its true, I'm officially quitting weed, I will never, ever do it again.

Now I'm going to go watch some youtube :)

I am preparing.

I have very bad seasonal depression. I go through a very, very weird transitional period in august september that is unexplainable, and I have never read, heard, or came across anyone who has a similar feeling.
I am definatly alone in this distant feeling.
Doing anything makes me fine, but as soon as I stop, and do nothing. It consumes me.
It's wonderful.

The thing is, I can't handle it forever, and it seems to hit bottom around January.
Last year I didn't attempt suicide, but given an easy option (i.e. and kind of gun) I am sure it would have materialized.

But I've learned. Alot. Last year was the hardest so far, so now I'm preparing. Hopefully for a manageable winter, and school year. I'll be in college this year so I hope that is great enough distraction, as I will be surrounded by people and school constantly!

I'm actually excited now :D
The transition isn't coming yet but I felt the first glimpse of it two nights ago. All I wanted to do was punch myself in the chest, or the stomach, to get the gut feeling out of me. The purposelessness.

Oh man it's the most powerful feeling I can comprehend. And when I don't have it, and I look back on it, I can appreciate it's strength, it's ability to take over my thoughts, but living through it is so difficult.

Learning is wonderful, as I have been learning. I've broken down a few mental walls, assuming I'm the most intelligent person on earth, and have actually learned something!

Reality is what you make it. Everyone's concious reality can be completely seperate, but they all weave the master sub-concious reality, which I had been living in for so long. Now I'm into my own reality, and disregarding the subconcious.

This I may possibly never explain to anyone, as it's simply bad, depressive information.

See you guys. Hello me.

A new day.

Well, last night my friend got in a car accident drunk. So far this has happened to 2 of my friends in the past month. Why don't they just listen to me? Luckily, both times nobody got anything more than a bit tongue, and a scratch on the head.

Yesterday I spent a good hour reading up on a organic chemist that has dedicated her life to researching and creating new and known psycho-active chemicals.

She's writting a book, I believe it's called PiHKAL, but the entire book is published on the internet for all to read on her site: Isomerdesign.com

It's extremely interesting, as she has a very unbiased view on the drugs effects, and she tests them on herself, at certain doses, sometimes many different doses.

There was one that interests me very much: it's called DOB or DOBU.

This is a very strong drug, at the potency of MDMA, yet it lasts for an extremely long time.
Most, and almost all psychoactive drugs in orally injested, last anywhere from 1 hour to 8 hours, usually not over 10...
DOB is very different.
It takes 4 to 7 hours for the affects to become noticeable.

It lasts for up to 60 hours.

60 Hours of a psychoactive drug in your system is very, very intense. Sleeping must be close to impossible, until your brain becomes used to it.

But what interests me most is the question why is this substance so different? Why is there chemicals that are broken down in 8 hours, the usual time for almost all digestion and absorbtion of the G.I. tract to take place, yet DOB starts when all of that usually ends? Interesting.

This got me thinking, somewhat deeper and more meaningful: What if, from birth, an animal was given a different neurological communicater than serotonin, i.e. LSD, Psilocybin(?), DOB, Mescaline, etc?

Would this animal view the world completely different? Would it's motivations be the same?

I wonder if I should change my Major from Physical Chemistry (Solar energy) to neurology...

It's either saving the world with solar energy, or saving sanity with Neurology.

So many choices, so little time!!

I was just thinking about something.

Yesterday I felt that most wonderful feeling of depression - that worthlessness, that nothing is right, everything is wrong, and "Why am I here?"
I want to know.
I WANT TO KNOW
Why is it like this?
Why did our evolution steer some of us into such a horrible place? Or is it evolutionary?
I can't seem to fix it completely. It always seems like it's overwhelming, but the truth is, when I 'wake up' out of that state again, I realize every time its less and less strong, and less frequent. That's a great feeling to know, but I still havn't gotten euphoria for atleast a month.
Fuck...

Well, I'm planning on making a log.... Maybe I can just keep it here (blogger), of when I'm feeling the ups and when I'm feeling the downs. Maybe there's a pattern.

It's just so weird, when your in one state, the other state (euphoria or depression) seem so meager. No matter what. It's almost impossible to just snap out of it, but I'm learning. There is triggers.

Both for and against it.

Life so cruel, I am determined to discover you.

Wondering.

Today I had an insight on reproduction and life.
Why do we die?
In particular - how do we die of "old age"

I'm going to bring you on a train of thought.

Scientists believe that we "age" due to cosmic radiation - U.V., X, and Gamma Rays from the sun. These are usually miniscule, but over a life time add up and are damaging to our cells... The other thing scientists say is that as the cells keep dividing, the chance for error and damage in division increases, and slowly, but surely, they start to fail. Usually the cells in the heart end our life, when they no longer are able to divide and live long enough.

Then what about reproductive cells?

Basically a human embryo is the division of these reproductive cells, the male sperm and female egg. So... aren't we technically made from a chain of cells that are thousands of years old? Tens of thousands... if we incorporate our non-sapien ancestors, to the beginning of life, aren't we the product of billions of years of division from, eventually, one "father" cell?

Why, how...
How can this chain go on for billions of years, if cell division eventually becomes too degenerate to divide at some point?

Are we basically just cells dividing from a father and mother cell?

A Biological fractal?


Will this reproduction through division always work? Will our reproductive cells Always be healthy enough to divide? Or will they, like our other cells, eventually become too "old" to divide? Possibly millions or maybe billions of years from now...?

Will all life become too damaged? Or is there a repair mechanism that does not degenerate??

I am confused.

A biological fractal, unseen with the presence of time.

Domino Collapse

Hello, this is my first post. I don't care.

Lately I've been getting exposed to music, art, and science much, much more than usual. All three thanks to the Internet, but still mostly in the non-pixelated world.

My mind just stopped.

I'll start talking about the future, and my beliefs, if anyone reads this, please do not agree out-right, but instead, really connect what I'm trying to say, and realise for yourself whats going to happen.

Yes we all know global warming by now, but most of us have come to terms with it in the past 10-15 years. This is unfortunate. It's been happening since the days of coal powered electricity plants, and the common gasoline consuming car... Almost 100 years ago.
The thing is, I believe we're coming (relatively) close to a "Domino" collapse. I base this on more than just greenhouse gases, it goes with a lot more: politics, banking, foreign policies, nuclear development, etcetera. I really do believe I may live to see a pre-apocalyptic era, i.e. the end is immanent.
This is what I believe will happen, in order of importance.
1. Congress and the future president will not be able to decide on a green energy policy before 2010. In my opinion, and in alot of other environmental scientists' opinions, we are already at a point that if we stop all gas and oil consumption abrubtly now we still will see a 1-2 degree temperature rise of the earth.
This is bad.
If we don't cut our emissions dirastically by 2015, I mean atleast 75%, we may end up with an uninhabitable planet within the next 100 years or so.

2. Green house gases and global warming together, are going to kill crops and livestock. We recently saw the flooding of Iowa, which destroyed 7 million acres of Corn. This will quite possibly be a recent occurence in the near future, due to G.W. The future seems to be holding much more prevelant and stronger storms, with the possibility of destroying much, much more crops.

3. Our population is increasing, as always, at an increasing rate. Exponentially, each day the worlds population grows and grows with absolutely no end in sight, and yet we can't feed them all as it is. How will this work if the crops begin to fail on a annual basis?

4. Our political system (the u.s.) is in dire need of repair. There is much too much scandal and bribing and under-the-table money being slipped around. It's almost as if you cannot get into the politically system of the U.S. without cheating your way with money. There is something very fundamentally wrong with the direction our government is heading. It's too slow, and too inconvenient. We need change.

5. Our banking and lending system. Usary. Our interest rates, loans, and spending are out of control. We the people no longer control, as a consumer, the rate of interest. People are beginning to become lost in debt at a huge percentage... Money is no longer becoming currency, it's being developed as debt. The loan and banking systems are now running our capitalistic market, and therefore affect our government profoundly. The banking and loaning systems are controlling our government.
Make compounded interest illegal now.

Now this is all happening at once. We're headed for collapse, both politically, and environmentally. The planet can still recycle our emissions, but we are destroying too much forest also. We're headed for a domino collapse.