I am preparing.

I have very bad seasonal depression. I go through a very, very weird transitional period in august september that is unexplainable, and I have never read, heard, or came across anyone who has a similar feeling.
I am definatly alone in this distant feeling.
Doing anything makes me fine, but as soon as I stop, and do nothing. It consumes me.
It's wonderful.

The thing is, I can't handle it forever, and it seems to hit bottom around January.
Last year I didn't attempt suicide, but given an easy option (i.e. and kind of gun) I am sure it would have materialized.

But I've learned. Alot. Last year was the hardest so far, so now I'm preparing. Hopefully for a manageable winter, and school year. I'll be in college this year so I hope that is great enough distraction, as I will be surrounded by people and school constantly!

I'm actually excited now :D
The transition isn't coming yet but I felt the first glimpse of it two nights ago. All I wanted to do was punch myself in the chest, or the stomach, to get the gut feeling out of me. The purposelessness.

Oh man it's the most powerful feeling I can comprehend. And when I don't have it, and I look back on it, I can appreciate it's strength, it's ability to take over my thoughts, but living through it is so difficult.

Learning is wonderful, as I have been learning. I've broken down a few mental walls, assuming I'm the most intelligent person on earth, and have actually learned something!

Reality is what you make it. Everyone's concious reality can be completely seperate, but they all weave the master sub-concious reality, which I had been living in for so long. Now I'm into my own reality, and disregarding the subconcious.

This I may possibly never explain to anyone, as it's simply bad, depressive information.

See you guys. Hello me.